Without a doubt, 2016 has been one of the worst years of my life. I survived a massive, never ending family law trial. My psychiatric records were released to my abuser. My privacy was breached again and again. My children’s privacy was destroyed again and again. By the end of the court process I felt like I had only shards of trust left in anything. My belief in justice was shaken to pieces. My trust in the system to protect my family was gone. As I entered into this Christmas season, I felt like believing in justice for my children was akin to believing in Santa Claus. A myth, a tale told to pacify young infants. There is no justice here. Certainly not in 2016, and certainly not for my family.
I’ve been waiting patiently for 2016 to end. On the Winter Solstice I burned a fire with my children, symbolizing the end of the year and welcoming back the light of the new year. An end to the darkness and inviting the brighter days leading to summer. In the fire I burnt away my fears and dark thoughts from 2016, leaving behind those bad memories and making space for positive karma for 2017.
I am a superstitious person. Despite my scientific, thoughtful, highly rational mind…my obsessive compulsive nature leads me to have some strange superstitious, ritualistic thoughts. Some of them are not quite spiritual, but take on an element of obsession. I believe in signs. I want to believe that things happen for a reason, even if we can’t see what that reason is. There is no reason to explain the things I have endured in 2016. None at all, except for oppression, broken systems, delays, inadequacies and incompetent workers. No reasons that can satisfy me, or any reasonable person. But at the end of the year, there are still many things to be grateful for.
I believe that I am a stronger person than anyone should ever have to be. My children are also stronger than children should have to be. I suppose in a way, this is something to be grateful for. Though I almost cry out in pain at times, watching the innocent 2 year old children of my friends’, as they laugh and play with very little cares in the world. I want that for my children again. I miss their baby smiles and laughter. It breaks my heart that they are no longer innocent, though they are still so young. But they are strong and they are kind and they believe in justice, with a fierceness that has replaced their childhood innocence. For that I am proud and grateful.
Things I am Grateful for at the start of 2017:
- A safe home that I love
- Wonderful caring neighbors and a beautiful neighborhood
- Enough money to buy the things I need for my family
- A job that allows me to help others, be challenged, learn and give back to my community
- My coworkers who I consider friends and who have supported me and helped me grow
- My family for always supporting me
- My children for giving me a reason to keep living and for being wonderful tiny humans
- My friends across the world, online and in real life, text and in person
- The rainbow community for supporting us and loving us and showing us where we belong
- For my citizenship and for this amazing, safe country I had the privilege of being born in
- For coffee, for tea, for coffee shops, for hot chocolate and for hot drinks everywhere
- For all the people I’ve met through my work, the people I’ve helped and everything I’ve learned from them this year
- For my car, for getting me and my family everywhere I need to go
- For my health, though it’s not perfect, I have a lot of ability
- For fresh air, for sunshine, for the woods, for nature, for being outside
- For the internet, cell phones and the ability to stay in touch
- For this blog, the ability to write and being able to share my experience with so many
Thank you all readers, for following my blog, for sharing it, for reading and commenting. I wish you all the best for a peaceful, happy and healthy new year in 2017. Be well. I hope to see you all here in the New Year!