I’m so tired of crazy being used as an abelist, stigmatizing slur against me by my ex-husband. I’m fed up of being called crazy as an insult, as an excuse for his abusive behaviour. I’m tired of gaslighting which blames my PTSD for the sexual violence he perpetrated. I’m tired of being seen as less than, being labelled with things that don’t apply to me. I’m tired of the implicit assumption that having a mental illness is a terrible thing, something I should be horribly ashamed of. It’s problematic on so many levels. He accuses me of having borderline personality disorder (which I don’t have) but even if I DID have it, so what? Would I be “crazy?” Would this warrant being mistreated and shunned and ignored? Would it mean everything I say and do is suspect?
I reject all this. I want to reclaim crazy. I want to fight mental health stigma. I don’t want to be ashamed that I’m not neuro-typical.
I’d like my ex-husband to stop spreading awful rumours about me in the community, but I don’t have control over that!
Things I would like to stop hearing as I reclaim crazy:
-Be more neutral
-You are too emotional
-You are too sensitive
-Tone down your feminism
-Your past is impacting your parenting
-That was a long time ago, why don’t you get over it
-Don’t worry so much
-You are over-reacting
-Why didn’t you just say no?
-Don’t you know how to defend yourself?
-Why didn’t you just fight back?
-She’s crazy (from anyone unless they are also reclaiming the word)
I celebrate being crazy in a positive way, because it means that I’m NOT neutral. It means that I am an advocate, a social justice warrior, an ally and a support worker. I’ve harnessed some of the energy of the bad things I’ve survived and I’m using it to help others, to fight injustice and to try to leave the world a better place than I found it. I’m proud of my feminism. I’m proud of my anti-oppression principles and the way I strive to unlearn and learn in my daily life. I don’t want to calm down. My feminism gives me energy and it keeps me alive.
And if that makes me crazy, then I embrace it. But let me define crazy.
Nevertheless she persisted.