I was scrolling through my facebook feed earlier this week, reading articles, checking out the news of the day when I came across a term that I was not familiar with: demisexual.
I clicked on the article to learn more, and my mind was blown WIDE open. I decided to write this blog post in case others out there were not aware of this orientation.
I always felt different from others around me in relation to sexuality. In my early 30s I began to think that I might be asexual. At that time, I thought that I might not ever have another sexual relationship and I was okay with that. At that time, I was also in the process of leaving an abusive marriage, one that no longer had any real intimacy for me.
After leaving my ex, I discovered that I wasn’t asexual, I just preferred consensual sexual interactions! But I still had reason to believe that I wasn’t “just like” other people I knew. I rarely thought about sex, and I rarely felt sexual attraction to anyone of any gender. Within the context of a relationship, when I felt safe and comfortable, I was able to enjoy sex, but I couldn’t relate to the concept of a “sex drive.”
There were other signs that I was different. My co-workers sometimes shared stories about sex with their partners and I felt uncomfortable. In fact, thinking about sexual acts generally filled me with a sense of disgust and abhorrence. I didn’t have any desire to experiment or try new things. I really felt that I COULD live without sex if I had to. I yearned for cuddles and physical closeness, but I never felt a strong need for sex itself.
I learned this week that there is a term for my experience “demisexual” or “grey-asexual/grace.”
I shared what I’d read with a friend of mine, along with my great surprise and pleasure at discovering the term. She told me “oh, I thought you knew! I thought that was how you identified!” I laughed out loud, apparently this was obvious to other people! It made complete sense to me too, I just lacked any language to describe it, thus I thought I was the only one!
It turns out there is a whole community of folks who identify with the spectrum between sexual and asexual. I just didn’t know about it!
I’m pretty happy. I’m actually really okay with my orientation.
It makes sense now why I couldn’t understand casual sex and why poly relationships or open relationships didn’t appeal to me. For me, sexual attraction only exists within the context of an intimate relationship and I rarely experience sexual attraction to anyone who is not my sexual partner. I don’t have any interest in watching porn. I don’t even want to think about porn. And though I want to support my friends, I rarely enjoy listening to them talk about their own sex lives.
I’m not a freak. I’m just a demisexual!